


Allez! Allez!

by tornadox



Category: Marvel (Comics), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Sports, Crack, Cycling, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-10
Updated: 2012-07-10
Packaged: 2017-11-09 13:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/456004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornadox/pseuds/tornadox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Introducing the roster for Team Stark-Shield for the 2012 Tour de France!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Allez! Allez!

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a semi-serious adaptation of the Avengers as a cycling team. Since there are only 6 Avengers in the movie, I dipped into comics and fanon. And then Deadpool showed up. Oops.
> 
> For all of the Tour de France/cycling fanatics who also love Avengers and Marvel fanfic. May there be more than one. And I’d love to see your fantasy rosters.

221 Steve Rogers USA

222 Phil Coulson GBR

223 Sam Wilson USA

224 Thor Odinson NOR

225 Pietro Maximoff ROU

226 Clint Barton USA

227 Bruce Banner USA

228 Peter Parker USA

229 Richard Rider CAN

 

_“Hello, I am Kat Farrell — ”_

_“— and I am Wade Wilson — ”_

_"Welcome back to _The Pulse’s_ coverage of the 2012 Tour de France! Next up - a profile of Team Stark-Shield, also known as The Avengers. This US team is making its Tour debut with a wildcard invitation. This season, the team has stunned the cycling world with its accomplishments. Steve Rogers placed 4th at the AMGEN Tour of California and 10th at the Tour de Suisse. James Barnes finished 6th at Paris-Roubaix. Pietro Maximoff, their main sprinter, even beat Mark Cavendish on the line on day two at the Critérium du Dauphiné.”_

## Roster

 **Steve Rogers** , aka The Captain, could be a GC contender even though he is 42 and has announced his retirement from the sport at the end of the year. A fan favorite, many members of the European peloton dislike him due to his medical and military history. Riding for US Postal, he finished in the top 20 in the Tour in 2000 and cracked the top 10 the next year. He even wore the Yellow Jersey for one day. After 9/11, however, he abruptly quit professional cycling to join the army. Rogers returned to the sport in 2008 as an inaugural member of the Shield squad.

 

_“Cap doesn’t wear yellow, he only wears the colors red, white, blue, and khaki.”_

_“You do know what the Yellow Jersey is, right?”_

_“A jersey that is yellow, got it.”_

_“No, don’t got it. The Yellow Jersey is worn by the leader of the race, the person with the lowest overall time. The GC - the General Classification - contender.”_

_“I thought it meant they want to join the Monarchs.”_

_"Never heard of them."_

_  
_

**Phil Coulson** , is a super domestique who is also set to retire this year. Born to an American father and a British mother, he has chosen to ride for Great Britain this year in honor of the upcoming Olympics. At age 45, it will be his 6th (and final?) trip to the games. This year also marks his 15th Tour de France, a feat matched by few other riders except George Hincapie. In addition, Coulson has finished every Tour he has started. Coulson is usually tasked to help Rogers, but can work in any position including pacing climbers on mountain stages. His demeanor is incredibly hard to read - he never gives away whether he is feeling well or not, or when he is about to start a breakaway or change pace. He is a cyclist’s cyclist.

 

_“Kat, why do you keep using so many French words like ‘sportif’ and ‘domestique’? We are Americans, dammit. It makes us sound all classy and shit.”_

_“Because cycling began as a French sport. Um, how long have you been a cycling reporter?”_

_  
_

**Sam Wilson** , aka The Falcon, is all-around rider who will act as Rogers’ lieutenant during the Tour. If he can survive the peloton, he will be a GC contender in the future. Wilson is the first ever African-American to start in a Tour de France.

From Team Stark-Shield’s official press release:

> We hope that the cycling community will welcome riders based on their abilities, regardless of race, nationality, creed and sexual orientation.

Here at Quokka.com, we whole-heartedly agree with this statement.

 

_“Wait, people still subscribe to Quokka? That site died during the 1990s Internet boom. I thought we were reporting for The Deuce for an Onion parody.”_

_“Wade, The Pulse is show on _Quokka.com_ , which is run by _The Daily Bugle_. No one refers to ESPN2 as ‘The Deuce’ anymore. And this is not a parody.”_

_  
_

Here at Quokka.com, we whole-heartedly agree with this statement. There were problems when the first South American riders joined the peloton in the 1990s. Fortunately there have been fewer incidents for the Japanese riders who started in the 2011 Tour de France. We hope that more African-American as well as any other cyclists of color from around the world will be welcomed into the peloton so that race becomes a non-issue.

 

_“Yes, Kat, first we cure racism, then we can cure cancer. Oh wait, that led to the SPANGLES Affair.”_

_“Shut up, Wade.”_

 

 **Pietro Maximoff** , aka Quicksilver, is the team’s lead sprinter and will be vying for the points jersey. He has a great rapport with his lead-out man, Clint Barton. Raymond recently recruited the Romanian from the French team, Magnus Freres.

 **Clint Barton** , aka Hawkeye, is the lead-out man for Maximoff. He can always find a line through the peloton. Barton is an accomplished sprinter himself - he even wore the Green Jersey for three days in 2007 - but prefers to stay in the shadows.

 

_“What’s the Green Jersey? Why isn’t the Hulk wearing it at all times?”_

_“I am going to kill Jameson for hiring you. The Green Jersey indicates the leader of the points competition, aka the most consistent sprinter. Banner is a climber, he’ll be vying for the Polka-Dot Jersey for the King of the Mountains competition. The only way Banner would wear green is if he was a in breakaway during the first couple of stages and beat out the sprinters. Which isn’t going to happen because he is a pure climber. He is slower than molasses on flat roads.”_

_“That is pathetic. The Hulk is always green. Except when he’s red. And Hawkeye should be wearing the Purple Jersey.”_

_“There is no Purple Jersey.”_

_“You’re right. He should be in the Purple Tunic.”_

_  
_

**Thor Odinson** is a domestique and part of the lead-out train for Maximoff. He is not to confused with that other sprinting God of Thunder, Thor Hushovd. Odinson is very adept with social networking and has large and enthusiastic followings on Twitter and Tumblr.

 **Peter Parker** , aka Spiderman, is the youngest member of the team at age 21. He is a strong climber and an amazing technical descender despite his relative inexperience. Parker began his cycling career in mountain biking and cyclocross. Depending on his form, he might be in contention for the King of the Mountains jersey or the Whie Jersey for best young rider.

 

_“Again, these color schemes are all wrong. What was Jan thinking? Spidey should never be seen in a red polka-dot shirt. Or a white shirt. Or any shirt. Yum.”_

_“Ew.”_

_  
_

**Bruce Banner** , aka The Hulk, is a pure climber. He is a reformed doper and joined the team in 2009 after finishing a 2-year suspension. Banner is one of the few riders to admit to using performance-enhancing drugs before being implicated in the SPANGLES Affair. The drug caused him to become super aggressive; in 2006, he even got into a fist fight with Carlos Barredo. Banner is now much more relaxed and calm, though many in the peloton still fear him.

 **Richard Rider** , is a time trial specialist. He is a last-minute replacement for James Barnes (Rogers’ usual lieutenant who broke his arm during the Tour de Suisse.) Rider has a background in track cycling and recently transferred from the Nova Guardians. He will be representing Canada in the team track pursuit in London.

 

_“Did you pick Rider just because of his last name? He’s a dick and not even a real member of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Stop being species-ist and choose Rocket Raccoon - he’s the best."_

## Team History

_“Hey, I heard that James Barnes is still Rogers’ roommate during the Tour.”_

_“Oh my god, Wade, are you still in junior high? We’re not reporting that … yet.”_

_"Sounds like a better story than this history."  
_

_  
_

Thomas “Toro” Raymond founded the Shield team in 2008 in reaction to the alleged pervasive doping in the sport. Raymond felt that regular riders like himself were being pressured to cheat in order to complete in the grand tours. Like the Slipstream team (now Garmin-Sharp), Raymond instituted an anti-drug regime and hired cyclists and staff who swore to “keep natural.” To the surprise of the cycling world, he even hired one of the most notorious cyclists, Bruce Banner, who had just completed a 2-year suspension for doping. Raymond also actively recruited cyclists and staff from underrepresented minorities, as he was very much against how cycling teams (and support staff) “whitewashed” their rosters for the grand tours. In December 2009, _Velonews_ outed Raymond and his director sportif, Timothy “Dum Dum” Dugan.

 

_"Dum dum dum"_

 

Despite pressure from US Cycling, both men refused to leave the team, though Nick Fury has taken over as director sportif for Dugan. Fury is a strategic genius and a previous winner of the Tour DuPont. He was set to join the the European peloton in 1994 until he lost an eye in an off-season car crash. Since then he remained on the edges of the sport until Raymond hired him. Maria Hill is Fury’s second in command and in charge of the anti-doping regime.

 

_"She's hot."_

_"What does that have to do with her job. Shut up, Wade."  
_

 

Tony Stark became part-owner of the team in 2010. After a kidnapping and subsequent health problems, the industrialist had become interested in cycling for his own well-being. Due to Stark’s oft-documented obsession with robots, there was some fear in the cycling community that he would try to install cybernetic enhancements in the riders and their equipment despite the team’s mission. All accusations have been proven false, though they did coincide with the ridiculous rumors of Fabian Cancellara (currently on the RadioShack-Nissan team) of having motors installed in his bikes.

_  
_

_"Oooh, are we going to fight cyborgs now? I'm sure it'll be Stark's fault."_

 

Stark has been a unusually hands-on owner. He had submitted new designs for the team’s time trial bikes that are still pending approval. He rode in cars during the AMGEN Tour of California and even changed a wheel for Rogers. Stark recruited Dr. Hank Pym and Janet van Dyne to develop and design new team suits. The red and black jerseys with gold trim will debut at this year’s Tour de France.

 

_"Definitely Stark's fault."_

## The SPANGLES Affair

If Raymond and Dugan had recruited Stark to help improve the team’s image, that plan failed miserably when the SPANGLES Affair came to light.

 

_“Is this a reference to Stark-Spangled-Banner? Didn’t know you were a kinky Kat.”_

_“..."_

_  
_

In August 2010, the Spanish police raided two Hydra Pharmaceuticals facilities and gathered evidence about usage of the drug, XPN, in the European peloton. Several big names in the sport were implicated, including Banner who had already admitted to using the drug. XPN was purportedly developed as an anti-leukemia drug in the 1990s. In limited doses, patients were able to quickly replenish their blood supply. When taken regularly, though, the drug caused major side-effects, most often including strokes and sterility. The wide range and unpredictability of adverse reactions has deterred most cyclists from taking it.

New information about the history of the drug came to light which further implicated Tony Stark. His father, Dr. Howard Stark, had assisted Dr. Abraham Erskine with Operation Rebirth, the so-called “Manhattan Project for curing cancer.” Unfortunately, the drug protocols met with little success; the project was shut down after two participants died. Hydra had based XPN on those failed protocols. Stark Industries partly owned a subsidiary that worked with Hydra to manufacture and distribute the drug for illicit purposes. The CEO of Stark Industries, Obadiah Stane, was allegedly personally involved with the scheme, including stealing the information about Operation Rebirth from Dr. Stark and then selling it to Hydra.

 

_“Hail Hydra!”_

_  
_

Tony Stark fired Stane, who committed suicide soon after. But then more bad news about XPN erupted. A new and reliable test to detect the drug had been developed and would be included in the mandatory drug tests administered by the ICU. XPN left a specific marker in the blood, so the test could detect whether a cyclist had taken it even once. In February 2011, Steve Rogers, the star of Team Stark-Shield, announced his involvement with Operation Rebirth. Although he had never taken XPN, he taken a related protocol that would mean that he would test positive for the drug. The old PR story was that he had been a very sickly child who taken up cycling to improve his health. In reality, he participated in the experimental drug therapies and was one of the few subjects successfully treated by Dr. Erskine. Team Stark-Shield worked with the ICU, USPRO Cycling and the IOC to get Rogers a medical excep---

 

_"So. Bored. Now. Too many TLAs. I'm outta here”_

_To Kat's surprise, Wade Wilson suddenly does a backward flip through the glass wall of the recording studio, pulls out a sword (from where?), carves a D into the soundboard, and saunters out the door. After a minute to regain her composure, Kat walks over to the telephone on the wall._

_"J. Jonah Jameson, Kat Farrell here … Wilson just destroyed company property, my audio engineer is in shock, and I almost wish that I was back reporting with AK on The Deuce. … Get me a real reporter to co-host, preferably a former cyclist who is sane … Ben Urich, good choice, but I’m still the lead anchor.”_

_Kat hangs up the phone and goes over to her laptop. "Let's see, what is 'Stark-Spangled-Banner'..."  
_

**Author's Note:**

> This is not RPF, but some real cyclists and events are mentioned above: Mark Cavendish is one of the best sprinters in the world; George Hincapie is riding in his 17th! tour; Thor Hushovd is a sprinter nicknamed “The God of Thunder;” Jonathan Vaughters is a former cyclist/anti-doping crusader who started the Garmin-Sharp team; Fabian Cancellara was accused in 2010 of having motors hidden in his bikes; and Carlos Barredo did get into a fist fight with another cyclist, but it was with Rui Costa at the 2010 Tour de France.
> 
> I might post a roster of the woman's team because Carol Danvers is totally the team captain and Natasha would be a GC contender.


End file.
